Praise the Lord for the times He opens our eyes to the places in our minds, the works of our hands, and the desires of our hearts that are not pleasing to Him, so that we would be stirred to change and be conformed more to the image of the Son, by the power of the Spirit, because we love and long to glorify and be close to our Savior.
I have certainly had several eye-opening experiences lately. I have to say praise the Lord (for these experiences) because even though self-examination is hard and difficult and often leaves me in this awkward, frustrating place for a time while I figure out how to emerge from the realization of my own sin brought into light, it is a chance to see where I am not glorifying the Father in everything and where He might work on my heart to draw me nearer to Him.
Its even a bit hard to write this right now because I feel like I am weighed down with the prospect of dealing with things like pride, fear, and control. I feel like I am wrapped up in a spiritual paradox - where that which sets me free is that which is causing me grief right now. But in order to move from grief over my sin to joy over the abundance of His love and mercy, I must face the sin, challenge its control over my actions, thoughts, and emotions, and rebuke it all in the name of Jesus who conquered death and all things that lead to death.
Lets talk specifics - I am just in that mood right now - to open up my heart and reveal what is being worked on and what I am wrestling with. Lets see . . . there's pride, control, and doubt.
Pride. I have learned that I am not ok with making mistakes. I want to do it all right, and I want for people to see me as someone who successfully walks through life as a champion of each endeavor I undertake. This is not practical at all. I want to be perfect. Impossible. I am not ok with failure, and I find myself trying to make excuses for mistakes and even desiring to cover up my mistakes - which leds us to an integrity issue. It is my prayer that the Lord and good friends will support me in my mistakes and show me that it is normal to mess up and that people will still love me even when I fall very, very short.
Control. I want to fix people, make things right, alleviate unnecessary tension, end suffering, eliminate doubt, and orchestrate healing for the hurting. All things I have absolutely no power to do, but the Lord does, praise Him. I love that recently the Lord has shown me that even in my job I start to think that I can fix the kids who are hurting by bringing in the right people and coordinating the right activities. Praise Him that He is showing me how little the works of my own hands makes any difference at all and how powerful His Spirit is to bring healing, restoration, hope, joy, and on and on. It is not me, it is so Him. The less of me and the more of Him makes for a much more beautiful situation. It is my prayer that I would submit humbly to the authority and power of the Lord in all things, realizing that His sovereignty trumps my tiny efforts every time.
Doubt. When I ask the Lord for things, how often are my prayers followed by a problem solving session in my head about how I will go about finding a solution? Way too often. Doing this at all is too often, because I am not waiting on the Lord to provide the answers, and truthfully I am not praying expectantly by instead whispering hurried prayers for this and that when how much in my heart do I really trust Him to answer and deliver faithfully? My prayer is that I would ask with confidence, expect with great hope, and rejoice in all resolutions.
This is just a little glimpse of where my heart and my mind are right now. Thanks so letting me be honest and reading my rambling.
Praise the Lord for tough days like these. Lord, let these words not be just words, and draw me closer to You. Forgive the shortcomings of . . . me. Amen.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
As I feel stressed
I am having a really hard time concentrating right now and I have a million things on my brain so I need to take a second and write some of them out in order for me to be productive.
I feel overwhelmed by the job –not a bad overwhelmed. It is an excited feeling, like I am really anticipating with eagerness the upcoming months. My mind is racing a million miles an hour with possibilities and ideas and questions and thoughts and curiosities and great unknowns.
I am feeling an unbelievably increased dependency on the Father. This I am thankful for. I am truly feeling like I can do nothing on my own, especially when it comes to doing amazing things for these kids. This brings me to my knees and all I want to do right now is bow before Him and worship and pray and read His word. I think I will do that at lunch today. I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like I need a break, but even if I were to get a break, I would just come back feeling like I needed another. I am so thankful that I have creative freedom in this job. I can really branch out, but still there are so many things I have to do to keep the program afloat. I also can’t feel like I have to know everything at once. They all say three months before I have a good feel for the job, but I am impatient and I want to be good at it right now. Is it pride or fear or selfishness that makes me resistant to the structure of having to continually prove myself and prove my worth to people? I know it has a bit to do with fear of man in my constant worry about how I am measuring up to others, a bit to do with selfishness in that I don’t want people to mold my actions and movements in what they expect me to do, and a bit of pride in believing that if I had my way it would be better and I would feel more free. Doing it all my own way has never worked out for me before, praise Him.
I think I am one of those people who just become dissatisfied with the system of things and the “way things are” and how things normally operate. I saw this when I graduated and had to get a job, when I dealt with difficult people in any job, when I felt obligated by pretty much anything. I believe this reveals a great deal of selfishness in me, God help me. God help me be freed from my own selfish heart and mind that would buck all authority and pursue the lazy and destructive desires of my flesh to the detriment of my heart and my soul and the people around me. It is an odd thing when your eyes are opened to the broken places within yourself; it’s a little surreal, really. Then you start to question everything your friends and family have told you about how smart and nice you are and somehow you end up doubting your identity and sadly realizing how you have built so much of your identity in what other people have told you about yourself. I suppose, based on our culture and how we are so self-esteem- and positive-reinforcement-driven, that this vein of identity-building is quite natural. Then the fun part begins of asking the Lord to change your heart about yourself, starting with your heart and with your mind. This means asking Him to erase the ideas I have of myself (I just got tired of saying “you” over and over again when clearly we are talking about me and my issues) and building up who I am in Him. This means accepting who I have been created to be and where I have been placed in the body of Christ.
I would love to go into great detail about how this transformation practically happens, how one mindset dies and gives birth to another in a spectacular metamorphosis of self-identification, but I am afraid I do not have time and that discussion is for another day. Or perhaps we can discuss it over coffee.
So who am I in Christ? I was created by a good God, fully just and fully merciful, Creator of all that is seen and unseen from one end of eternity to another. I am a sinner, a human being, a personification of the Fall and rebellion, and I have at many times chosen myself over Him. I need Jesus to break from this. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus and from the depths of His compassion, I have been redeemed by His blood to walk in freedom and fullness of life and in the abundance of divine grace and mercy. Thus I seek His face daily and worship Him and beg Him for guidance and direction, knowing that He is faithful and works according to His plans and not mine. Because I have been chosen by Him and redeemed I am a daughter of the King and an heir with Jesus to the things of God, hallelujah. This in turn shapes my actions, my motives, my thoughts, my everything (at least I pray it does – and this is a process). Then the opinions of others become secondary as I pursue the Lord and work hard as He has given me grace to do.
That’s all I have time to express today.
Be blessed, I love you all.
Bekah
I feel overwhelmed by the job –not a bad overwhelmed. It is an excited feeling, like I am really anticipating with eagerness the upcoming months. My mind is racing a million miles an hour with possibilities and ideas and questions and thoughts and curiosities and great unknowns.
I am feeling an unbelievably increased dependency on the Father. This I am thankful for. I am truly feeling like I can do nothing on my own, especially when it comes to doing amazing things for these kids. This brings me to my knees and all I want to do right now is bow before Him and worship and pray and read His word. I think I will do that at lunch today. I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like I need a break, but even if I were to get a break, I would just come back feeling like I needed another. I am so thankful that I have creative freedom in this job. I can really branch out, but still there are so many things I have to do to keep the program afloat. I also can’t feel like I have to know everything at once. They all say three months before I have a good feel for the job, but I am impatient and I want to be good at it right now. Is it pride or fear or selfishness that makes me resistant to the structure of having to continually prove myself and prove my worth to people? I know it has a bit to do with fear of man in my constant worry about how I am measuring up to others, a bit to do with selfishness in that I don’t want people to mold my actions and movements in what they expect me to do, and a bit of pride in believing that if I had my way it would be better and I would feel more free. Doing it all my own way has never worked out for me before, praise Him.
I think I am one of those people who just become dissatisfied with the system of things and the “way things are” and how things normally operate. I saw this when I graduated and had to get a job, when I dealt with difficult people in any job, when I felt obligated by pretty much anything. I believe this reveals a great deal of selfishness in me, God help me. God help me be freed from my own selfish heart and mind that would buck all authority and pursue the lazy and destructive desires of my flesh to the detriment of my heart and my soul and the people around me. It is an odd thing when your eyes are opened to the broken places within yourself; it’s a little surreal, really. Then you start to question everything your friends and family have told you about how smart and nice you are and somehow you end up doubting your identity and sadly realizing how you have built so much of your identity in what other people have told you about yourself. I suppose, based on our culture and how we are so self-esteem- and positive-reinforcement-driven, that this vein of identity-building is quite natural. Then the fun part begins of asking the Lord to change your heart about yourself, starting with your heart and with your mind. This means asking Him to erase the ideas I have of myself (I just got tired of saying “you” over and over again when clearly we are talking about me and my issues) and building up who I am in Him. This means accepting who I have been created to be and where I have been placed in the body of Christ.
I would love to go into great detail about how this transformation practically happens, how one mindset dies and gives birth to another in a spectacular metamorphosis of self-identification, but I am afraid I do not have time and that discussion is for another day. Or perhaps we can discuss it over coffee.
So who am I in Christ? I was created by a good God, fully just and fully merciful, Creator of all that is seen and unseen from one end of eternity to another. I am a sinner, a human being, a personification of the Fall and rebellion, and I have at many times chosen myself over Him. I need Jesus to break from this. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus and from the depths of His compassion, I have been redeemed by His blood to walk in freedom and fullness of life and in the abundance of divine grace and mercy. Thus I seek His face daily and worship Him and beg Him for guidance and direction, knowing that He is faithful and works according to His plans and not mine. Because I have been chosen by Him and redeemed I am a daughter of the King and an heir with Jesus to the things of God, hallelujah. This in turn shapes my actions, my motives, my thoughts, my everything (at least I pray it does – and this is a process). Then the opinions of others become secondary as I pursue the Lord and work hard as He has given me grace to do.
That’s all I have time to express today.
Be blessed, I love you all.
Bekah
Friday, April 4, 2008
Pour it out
Pouring out my heart right now where it is.
I love driving down the road at night thinking about how HUGE God is and how wonderful He must be to allow me to enjoy the night sky and the stars and to give me a moment of silence as I am driving along. I love reflecting in those silent moments on the goodness of the Lord. I noticed how quickly the trees and the houses and the shops rushed past me, how warm my hands felt as the heat blew gently from the vents to the left and right of my dashboard. I squinted my eyes at the brightness of the oncoming headlights against the dark. I listened to the steady hum of my engine and the faint whoosh of passing cars. I smelled the cranberries on the McAlisters sandwich next to me in the white and green checkered to-go box. I smiled slightly with the side of my mouth as I remembered deep and encouraging conversation with good friend, a sweet and honest spirit. I think I also enjoy the Lord when I am keenly aware of my senses and what is going on around me. I love reflecting on what I see, hear, taste, smell, and feel and thanking the Lord that all five senses are working and able to experience all that He has given me.
A thought on the crucifixion of Jesus:
Often we think about the death of Christ in a manner that portrays Him as the victim of the abuse, torment, and wretchedness of His accusers and betrayers. I mean that we make Jesus as a passive participant in His death, simply allowing man to exact their treachery on the sacrificial lamb. We make Jesus appear as a rag doll, beaten and bloodied against His will, shoved and tripped and spit on - all the while silent and accepting. While the beating and torture are accurate depictions of the death of our Lord, I have recently had a perspective shift on the relationship between Christ and His death. Jesus is God in the flesh, the Creator of the universe in the form He created, the powerful universe-forming spoken word in our likeness. He created the wood that pushed against His back and fashioned the earth metals that were melted and molded into nails that pierced His hands. He created the glands in the mouths of His accusers to be able to produce the saliva that was spat upon Him during His trial and transport. He designed the minds that plotted against Him and breathed life into those who used every breath to betray Him. I believe Jesus had much more of an active role in His death than we perceive. He was not a mere passive victim of the crowd's uproar, though He was, as Scripture says, like a sheep led to the slaughter, but He was completely sovereign even in the process of His death. He surely could have stopped the process at any time, but even before the world began He knew those who betray Him and cast lots for His clothing and still brought life to their great-grandparents, grandparents, their parents, and the sinners themselves, just as He brought life to me. He knew His death from the beginning and still arranged time and space in a way that would allow for it to happen, to reconcile all things to Himself. In this we see that it was an ultimate act of love, a move toward us by Almighty God to reveal His love for Creation. Praise be to God for His sovereignty in all things, even though I may not fully understand it or be able to ever explain it. Praise be to His Name.
A thought on resentment:
The only reason we are believers in the Lord and convicted to walk outside of sin is because the Lord did a mighty heart change in us by His power and His power alone. He gave us up to the desires of our flesh; our deceitful hearts pursue what gratifies selfish ambition regardless of consequence. Then, in an act of love, the Lord allowed us to hear His Name and He called us to Him. So why do we resent those who sin and betray us? Would we be any different outside of the love and mercy of Christ? Being a follower of Jesus brings heart change and consequently a change in our outward actions. When we resent, we are saying that we are better than those who do us wrong. Lets be honest - outside of Jesus, we are selfish and hateful and disobedient. Thanks be to God for the change. Let us forgive and love because we want to be more like Jesus and we want our hearts and our actions and our relationships with others to be an expression of God's love and how it has transforms our lives.
I saw an image tonight of two parallel lines. No matter how close they are, even if they are 1 billionth of a millimeter apart, by definition these two lines will never become one or even cross. I see these two lines as man and God when man chooses sin and his desires over God. No matter how "close" man gets to being as "moral" as he wants to be or as holy and righteous as he desires to be, if he allows any sin to reside in his heart, there will still be that tiny gap between him and the perfect God. Without true faith in Jesus and true repentance, we are like a parallel line running along side Him, so close but never able to fully engage Him or walk with Him deeply. Allowing sin to separate us from the Father by not accepting the blood of the lamb, we are forever without Him. Sin does not separate us from His love, for nothing can separate us from His love, but our sinful, bitter hearts must repent and trust the blood of the lamb to be sufficient to cleanse us from all unrighteousness; Praise be the Father for His mercy and grace. The Lord is sovereign over all things, and it is my desire to be free from sin and all unrighteousness so that I might engage Him deeply. He takes away the gap between the lines so that we might live with Him.
I pray that these words are full of truth, and if they are not, or if there is any part of this that is not 100% Biblical, please call me on it and correct me. Thank you, my friends.
I love driving down the road at night thinking about how HUGE God is and how wonderful He must be to allow me to enjoy the night sky and the stars and to give me a moment of silence as I am driving along. I love reflecting in those silent moments on the goodness of the Lord. I noticed how quickly the trees and the houses and the shops rushed past me, how warm my hands felt as the heat blew gently from the vents to the left and right of my dashboard. I squinted my eyes at the brightness of the oncoming headlights against the dark. I listened to the steady hum of my engine and the faint whoosh of passing cars. I smelled the cranberries on the McAlisters sandwich next to me in the white and green checkered to-go box. I smiled slightly with the side of my mouth as I remembered deep and encouraging conversation with good friend, a sweet and honest spirit. I think I also enjoy the Lord when I am keenly aware of my senses and what is going on around me. I love reflecting on what I see, hear, taste, smell, and feel and thanking the Lord that all five senses are working and able to experience all that He has given me.
A thought on the crucifixion of Jesus:
Often we think about the death of Christ in a manner that portrays Him as the victim of the abuse, torment, and wretchedness of His accusers and betrayers. I mean that we make Jesus as a passive participant in His death, simply allowing man to exact their treachery on the sacrificial lamb. We make Jesus appear as a rag doll, beaten and bloodied against His will, shoved and tripped and spit on - all the while silent and accepting. While the beating and torture are accurate depictions of the death of our Lord, I have recently had a perspective shift on the relationship between Christ and His death. Jesus is God in the flesh, the Creator of the universe in the form He created, the powerful universe-forming spoken word in our likeness. He created the wood that pushed against His back and fashioned the earth metals that were melted and molded into nails that pierced His hands. He created the glands in the mouths of His accusers to be able to produce the saliva that was spat upon Him during His trial and transport. He designed the minds that plotted against Him and breathed life into those who used every breath to betray Him. I believe Jesus had much more of an active role in His death than we perceive. He was not a mere passive victim of the crowd's uproar, though He was, as Scripture says, like a sheep led to the slaughter, but He was completely sovereign even in the process of His death. He surely could have stopped the process at any time, but even before the world began He knew those who betray Him and cast lots for His clothing and still brought life to their great-grandparents, grandparents, their parents, and the sinners themselves, just as He brought life to me. He knew His death from the beginning and still arranged time and space in a way that would allow for it to happen, to reconcile all things to Himself. In this we see that it was an ultimate act of love, a move toward us by Almighty God to reveal His love for Creation. Praise be to God for His sovereignty in all things, even though I may not fully understand it or be able to ever explain it. Praise be to His Name.
A thought on resentment:
The only reason we are believers in the Lord and convicted to walk outside of sin is because the Lord did a mighty heart change in us by His power and His power alone. He gave us up to the desires of our flesh; our deceitful hearts pursue what gratifies selfish ambition regardless of consequence. Then, in an act of love, the Lord allowed us to hear His Name and He called us to Him. So why do we resent those who sin and betray us? Would we be any different outside of the love and mercy of Christ? Being a follower of Jesus brings heart change and consequently a change in our outward actions. When we resent, we are saying that we are better than those who do us wrong. Lets be honest - outside of Jesus, we are selfish and hateful and disobedient. Thanks be to God for the change. Let us forgive and love because we want to be more like Jesus and we want our hearts and our actions and our relationships with others to be an expression of God's love and how it has transforms our lives.
I saw an image tonight of two parallel lines. No matter how close they are, even if they are 1 billionth of a millimeter apart, by definition these two lines will never become one or even cross. I see these two lines as man and God when man chooses sin and his desires over God. No matter how "close" man gets to being as "moral" as he wants to be or as holy and righteous as he desires to be, if he allows any sin to reside in his heart, there will still be that tiny gap between him and the perfect God. Without true faith in Jesus and true repentance, we are like a parallel line running along side Him, so close but never able to fully engage Him or walk with Him deeply. Allowing sin to separate us from the Father by not accepting the blood of the lamb, we are forever without Him. Sin does not separate us from His love, for nothing can separate us from His love, but our sinful, bitter hearts must repent and trust the blood of the lamb to be sufficient to cleanse us from all unrighteousness; Praise be the Father for His mercy and grace. The Lord is sovereign over all things, and it is my desire to be free from sin and all unrighteousness so that I might engage Him deeply. He takes away the gap between the lines so that we might live with Him.
I pray that these words are full of truth, and if they are not, or if there is any part of this that is not 100% Biblical, please call me on it and correct me. Thank you, my friends.
Monday, March 10, 2008
my heart for this place
i am so thankful for this song and the heart behind it.
i close my eyes, and see hearts beating with fervor for the Lord, praise to His glorious Name.
there are a million lovers of Jesus reaching out to the unloved and seemingly unlovable.
immersed in the communities, not stuck in their pews or on their couches.
pursuing the forgotten, building bridges and praising the Father.
cities and meetings and relationships bathed in prayer.
oh, to be in love with Jesus...
God of this City (Greater Things)
You’re the God of this city
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You are
You’re the light in this darkness
You’re the hope to the hopeless
You’re the peace to the restless
You are
For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here
You’re the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You’re the King above all Kings
You are
You’re the strength in our weakness
You’re the love to the broken
You’re the joy in the sadness
You are
For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here
i close my eyes, and see hearts beating with fervor for the Lord, praise to His glorious Name.
there are a million lovers of Jesus reaching out to the unloved and seemingly unlovable.
immersed in the communities, not stuck in their pews or on their couches.
pursuing the forgotten, building bridges and praising the Father.
cities and meetings and relationships bathed in prayer.
oh, to be in love with Jesus...
God of this City (Greater Things)
You’re the God of this city
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You are
You’re the light in this darkness
You’re the hope to the hopeless
You’re the peace to the restless
You are
For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here
You’re the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You’re the King above all Kings
You are
You’re the strength in our weakness
You’re the love to the broken
You’re the joy in the sadness
You are
For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
confession
We are not perfect. We stumble from the Lord, we bury ourselves into more of ourselves and turn our eyes away from the Creator to the Created. We build idols, we disobey, we do not listen and even more do not seek. We fall. The evidence is all over Scripture, all over creation, and all over our hearts.
We are called to confess these sins and the condition of our hearts that produces the actions and reactions we have to the world around us.
We confess to the Lord that we are lost and need a shepherd. We need grace and redemption. We need to confess deeds to seek forgiveness and more importantly must confess the intentions and thought of our hearts to seek healing and restoration for the dark parts of our hearts. Thanks be to God that He restores and heals and moves in us. Thanks be to God that He disciplines His children and those He calls His own. Thanks be to God that He has created the body like He has so that a bunch of sinners can bond over the grace that redeems them and then worship Him who brought them together even through sin.
Run from pride - thinking that your struggles are not as bad as someone else's. It is the condition of the heart, not always the external action, that must be dealt with. Listen and offer Biblical wisdom after praying. Don't be afraid to confess to God or people. God loves you and He heals. The church body should uplift, point toward Him, and offer love and support. Do not be ashamed - there is no shame in running to Jesus.
Amen.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
tremble
oh, let me not forget to tremble.
to think about how small i am is overwhelming. i went outside. i took a deep breath. i looked up at the sky. slowly, my eyes followed the horizon from east to west. from north to south. i began to turn, inch by inch, in a circle, keeping my gaze upon the line where the earth meets the sky. i have to take a deep breath again and this time i exhale with a shudder. my mind begins to ponder about this great expanse of space, and my body trembles at each thought - the thoughts that reinforce that fact that i am a tiny speck against the night sky. i am lost in the deepest of blues and my words and my thoughts and my opinions are swept away like an uprooted reed forced along by a rapid current. i stop turning and begin to pray...
Jesus, in the expanse You are sovereign. Your hand pieced together the fabric of the sky and scattered the stars across a billion miles, again and again. i am so small, yet You are near. You are across the great sky, and You are whispering in my ear. please open my eyes to who You are. teach me to breathe in slowly, deeply, and give me the faith to know You are greater and better and more capable than i will ever understand. i await the day when i will cut ties here and begin an eternity of worship. to that day i press onward. You are beautiful. You are. Amen
let us not forget to tremble...
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