Self Examination

Praise the Lord for the times He opens our eyes to the places in our minds, the works of our hands, and the desires of our hearts that are not pleasing to Him, so that we would be stirred to change and be conformed more to the image of the Son, by the power of the Spirit, because we love and long to glorify and be close to our Savior.

I have certainly had several eye-opening experiences lately. I have to say praise the Lord (for these experiences) because even though self-examination is hard and difficult and often leaves me in this awkward, frustrating place for a time while I figure out how to emerge from the realization of my own sin brought into light, it is a chance to see where I am not glorifying the Father in everything and where He might work on my heart to draw me nearer to Him.

Its even a bit hard to write this right now because I feel like I am weighed down with the prospect of dealing with things like pride, fear, and control. I feel like I am wrapped up in a spiritual paradox - where that which sets me free is that which is causing me grief right now. But in order to move from grief over my sin to joy over the abundance of His love and mercy, I must face the sin, challenge its control over my actions, thoughts, and emotions, and rebuke it all in the name of Jesus who conquered death and all things that lead to death.

Lets talk specifics - I am just in that mood right now - to open up my heart and reveal what is being worked on and what I am wrestling with. Lets see . . . there's pride, control, and doubt.

Pride. I have learned that I am not ok with making mistakes. I want to do it all right, and I want for people to see me as someone who successfully walks through life as a champion of each endeavor I undertake. This is not practical at all. I want to be perfect. Impossible. I am not ok with failure, and I find myself trying to make excuses for mistakes and even desiring to cover up my mistakes - which leds us to an integrity issue. It is my prayer that the Lord and good friends will support me in my mistakes and show me that it is normal to mess up and that people will still love me even when I fall very, very short.

Control. I want to fix people, make things right, alleviate unnecessary tension, end suffering, eliminate doubt, and orchestrate healing for the hurting. All things I have absolutely no power to do, but the Lord does, praise Him. I love that recently the Lord has shown me that even in my job I start to think that I can fix the kids who are hurting by bringing in the right people and coordinating the right activities. Praise Him that He is showing me how little the works of my own hands makes any difference at all and how powerful His Spirit is to bring healing, restoration, hope, joy, and on and on. It is not me, it is so Him. The less of me and the more of Him makes for a much more beautiful situation. It is my prayer that I would submit humbly to the authority and power of the Lord in all things, realizing that His sovereignty trumps my tiny efforts every time.

Doubt. When I ask the Lord for things, how often are my prayers followed by a problem solving session in my head about how I will go about finding a solution? Way too often. Doing this at all is too often, because I am not waiting on the Lord to provide the answers, and truthfully I am not praying expectantly by instead whispering hurried prayers for this and that when how much in my heart do I really trust Him to answer and deliver faithfully? My prayer is that I would ask with confidence, expect with great hope, and rejoice in all resolutions.

This is just a little glimpse of where my heart and my mind are right now. Thanks so letting me be honest and reading my rambling.

Praise the Lord for tough days like these. Lord, let these words not be just words, and draw me closer to You. Forgive the shortcomings of . . . me. Amen.