As I feel stressed

I am having a really hard time concentrating right now and I have a million things on my brain so I need to take a second and write some of them out in order for me to be productive.
I feel overwhelmed by the job –not a bad overwhelmed. It is an excited feeling, like I am really anticipating with eagerness the upcoming months. My mind is racing a million miles an hour with possibilities and ideas and questions and thoughts and curiosities and great unknowns.

I am feeling an unbelievably increased dependency on the Father. This I am thankful for. I am truly feeling like I can do nothing on my own, especially when it comes to doing amazing things for these kids. This brings me to my knees and all I want to do right now is bow before Him and worship and pray and read His word. I think I will do that at lunch today. I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like I need a break, but even if I were to get a break, I would just come back feeling like I needed another. I am so thankful that I have creative freedom in this job. I can really branch out, but still there are so many things I have to do to keep the program afloat. I also can’t feel like I have to know everything at once. They all say three months before I have a good feel for the job, but I am impatient and I want to be good at it right now. Is it pride or fear or selfishness that makes me resistant to the structure of having to continually prove myself and prove my worth to people? I know it has a bit to do with fear of man in my constant worry about how I am measuring up to others, a bit to do with selfishness in that I don’t want people to mold my actions and movements in what they expect me to do, and a bit of pride in believing that if I had my way it would be better and I would feel more free. Doing it all my own way has never worked out for me before, praise Him.
I think I am one of those people who just become dissatisfied with the system of things and the “way things are” and how things normally operate. I saw this when I graduated and had to get a job, when I dealt with difficult people in any job, when I felt obligated by pretty much anything. I believe this reveals a great deal of selfishness in me, God help me. God help me be freed from my own selfish heart and mind that would buck all authority and pursue the lazy and destructive desires of my flesh to the detriment of my heart and my soul and the people around me. It is an odd thing when your eyes are opened to the broken places within yourself; it’s a little surreal, really. Then you start to question everything your friends and family have told you about how smart and nice you are and somehow you end up doubting your identity and sadly realizing how you have built so much of your identity in what other people have told you about yourself. I suppose, based on our culture and how we are so self-esteem- and positive-reinforcement-driven, that this vein of identity-building is quite natural. Then the fun part begins of asking the Lord to change your heart about yourself, starting with your heart and with your mind. This means asking Him to erase the ideas I have of myself (I just got tired of saying “you” over and over again when clearly we are talking about me and my issues) and building up who I am in Him. This means accepting who I have been created to be and where I have been placed in the body of Christ.
I would love to go into great detail about how this transformation practically happens, how one mindset dies and gives birth to another in a spectacular metamorphosis of self-identification, but I am afraid I do not have time and that discussion is for another day. Or perhaps we can discuss it over coffee.
So who am I in Christ? I was created by a good God, fully just and fully merciful, Creator of all that is seen and unseen from one end of eternity to another. I am a sinner, a human being, a personification of the Fall and rebellion, and I have at many times chosen myself over Him. I need Jesus to break from this. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus and from the depths of His compassion, I have been redeemed by His blood to walk in freedom and fullness of life and in the abundance of divine grace and mercy. Thus I seek His face daily and worship Him and beg Him for guidance and direction, knowing that He is faithful and works according to His plans and not mine. Because I have been chosen by Him and redeemed I am a daughter of the King and an heir with Jesus to the things of God, hallelujah. This in turn shapes my actions, my motives, my thoughts, my everything (at least I pray it does – and this is a process). Then the opinions of others become secondary as I pursue the Lord and work hard as He has given me grace to do.
That’s all I have time to express today.

Be blessed, I love you all.

Bekah