futile resistance

I have spent so much time resisting what is perfect and good and right. I have known what it is, but closing my eyes and covering my ears has just made me feel temporarily "better." Instead of obedience and faith, true faith, that God is enough for me in this moment, in the next moment, and in the moment after that, I worry and fret and cry and bemoan the obedience until I realize how silly I sound and regret the wasted time and energy.

What a silly creature I am. What a wonderful God He is.

So now, in the aftermath of tough decisions and emotionally trying conversation, I just want to sit silently before Him and worship. Worship in the silence. Listen to the silence. Listen for His still small voice, and rejoice whatever it sounds like. I want Him to teach me to pray better on my own. Not to pray in front of people - somehow I have learned to carefully calculate my words into sincere outpourings publicly that are not found when I am alone. Not saying either one is insincere. I just want to be taught again what a personal prayer life looks like. I will ask the Spirit in faith and look to Jesus through Scripture.

Time to do what I write about. And even better, it is raining outside. Amen.